Arthur E. Jongsma, in the book “The Adolescent Psychotherapy Treatment Planner”, Fifth Edition, states that there is an “excessive use of alcohol and drugs as a maladaptive coping mechanism to ward off painful emotions surrounding separation or divorce.” The doctors recommend, as a long-term goal, therapy to help children “create a strong and supportive social network outside of the immediate family to offset the loss of affection, approval, or support from within the family.” But what happens if a little boy or girl picks the wrong supportive social network? Or even worse, they adopt the wrong network, and imitate the inaccurate behaviors?

One of the most natural reactions to physical or emotional pain is to keep it away.  There is no natural way of thinking “I am going to reflect: what can I do to move forward from this problem,” and in adolescent life that way of thinking is almost impossible. On a normal day this young man or woman is submerged in his or her emotional pain of their parents’ separation.  At school also kids can find help from their teachers. However, society can pressure them to think, “that kids from separated families are part of the statistics”. For instance, in the middle of any psychological distress, kids suddenly can meet others kids who are mitigating their anguish through drugs, alcohol, and sex.

On the other side of spectrum, they are one of the parents who are trying to figure out how to resolve their own life, what ways are better for those who has been abandoned. In that kind of dilemma, the parents must always prioritize the kids. For example, you must think about it like this: you are inside an airplane, suddenly a storm comes, and the oxygen mask deploys in front of you. You need to think and act quickly. Instantly you take the mask and start to breathe.  Then you give some air to your kids. That is the way that life works, it is not the other way around. You must cover the emotional needs of yourself and your children by reflecting, taking actions and resolving conflicts. In practice this means, that you need to find help to manage the transition from being a normal family to waking in a dysfunctional family, because you are suddenly alone with the kids. The most important duties as adults and parents facing divorce are: thinking, reflecting and taking action to move forward with challenges that we need to carry out

In conclusion, for any single action there is a reaction, The kids’ reaction is to run from home and maybe land in the wrong hands. The adults, who have experienced emotional traumas from separation, divorce or infidelity, need professional help. For example, a family coach helps resolve the difficulties in your mind or kids’ mind, because professional teach you to understand your own errors and to correct them. A family coach will also help kids breathe in and healthy environment. In the end, you will learn that the most important thing for our kids that they can count on their parents no matter what, no matter who, as soon as possible.

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If you are going through sad moments of distress or depression as a result of problems within the family, please contact us.

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Teresa Ruiz Pedersen
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Book: Dressed as a Bride? Available in spanish
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